Hey Dreamers,
When I made that video we were days away, and when I wrote this message We were 60 hours away. Now we are 50 hours away, and we FUNDED!!!!
Oh man.
Breath…
Breath…
There is a pressure in success I both enjoy and dread. I am so happy to begin fulfillment soon. But there is a little black cloud that likes to creep in.
Stupid cloud.
I noticed it on my first campaign actually. He tried to destroy my fulfillment and drove me into a very painful depression for months. I got through it, and we got everything out it just took me a long time. THing’s are different now. His shade falls no wear near as harshly. However he likes to keep trying the same freaking trick.
He reminds me of the first person I wanted to tell I funded. The person I couldn’t tell. Or more specifically the person I could only tell through prayers.
Now that freaking cloud is there again, he whispers about more than one person, but his voice is small compared to when he first showed up, and his thunder doesn’t shake me the way it once did.
If you go back to 2017 and watch me at the end of the Kickstarter I am so exhausted mentally. It looks like it was the trouble closing those last hours but thats not what it was. As it got closer I kept thinking about it. When we make it I can’t share this with Dad. He’s gone, and I know he only pretended to like this stuff because I loved it, but I needed to put my first book in his hands. He is my dad.
However, I couldn’t.
I was so happy and sad at the same time, and I had no idea who to tell about it so I didn’t and those feelings grew until each fulfillment felt hollow and painful, despite how much I had longed for that moment since I was 4 years old.
Grief robs us all of many things, I think the theft of joy is the worst part. It is debilitating, and so irrational. Once we had finally fulfilled the last item it was a weight off my shoulders man let me tell you.
The next time the clouds voice was softer but he was still there. That son of a bitch showed up about 20 minutes ago. Hes screaming in my ear but I can barely hear him this time. He’s trying but I learned that I don’t do this for other people. There’s friends and family who desperately have tried to tach me that, before I realized it.
We did this, Kira, Kender, Camille, my prereaders, Ryan and the alt cover, every creator who shared and helped me get eyes on the podcasts, Me, and every person with the courage and curiosity to back, The joy in all of those things coming together is not diminished because certain friends, and Family aren’t here to read it. Doesn’t make it futile or any less enjoyable because I want validation from someone gone.
I got to talk t other creators about things I loved and share that with other people during all of the streaming, I got to see other peoples take on my designs, my daughter spoke on some of my emails with me about her bear, Kira and I adjusted and rewrote a lot of things to get it just right, she wrote poetry, Kender reviewed and corrected my mistakes to help me get to a better level, there is so many things to find joy in in the process. It would be so foolish to dismiss that for the things that trouble me.
In a short time I have a lot of art to create, I have to work with printers, and ship out dozens of packages for all of this. Will I think about the sisters who would have adored this? Yes. Will I wish that Dana could have read it and make fun of me for drawing a Teddy Bear? Yes.
But when I get to slab the first copy of the book and hang it in Camille’s room… It will be a promise made complete from a long time ago. A Promise to me I made and a Promise to her. That joy will be there the rest of my days.
Doesn’t take away the grief, but the two don’t cancel each other out. I get to share and treasure this, and at its root was a big sister who read us bed time stories. Loosing her motivating me to act and get done. I can only tell her one way, and I am okay with that. I can’t change or fight it. All I can do is understand it, and do my best.
So stoked were funded!!!!!!!
Last day or so now, so I am gonna push to get to our Stretch goals. I really want to add the 4 pages a great backer funded for me to do to the book. I am going to try to do some really interesting lighting to match what’s in my mind.
So please share and help us get there. It’s not too far off.
The clouds are there for a reason but they don’t own me.
James Burton
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